I Screwed Up BIG TIME

I did something that I promised myself to never do...

I don't think i can forgive myself

I feel like a fool... the fool est person on earth

I feel damn shitty

I feel like a Moron

I'm not going 2 forgive myself

Never....

I called a person who told me not to call coz someone was not happy we are friends

and yet i did cause i was actually genuinely worried bout the person...


The person answered.... and said " I TOLD U NOT 2 CALL AIGHT.... TUT TUT TUT TUT TUT TUT TUT.... phone got slammed hard !!!!!!!

I'm not proud of myself...

Yet it hurts...

I feel like someone has ripped my heart...

I fucked up BIG TIME!!!!!!!


I wish i could take back that moment

I wont forgive myself!!!!!!!!!!!

FCuk em all !!!

Have you experienced a moment where you wished everything around you stopped and freezes and you are the only who who feels alive, cause when everything else is alive and moving you feel dead and trapped?? Or more likely going tro death in a slow process... that's how i felt for a few months... I've been bumming at home with no Internet connection... my phone lines were dead, and the only thing i had with me was my 29 inches TV and my mom's harlequin romance novel that turns you into a hypocrite... cause you wann all that romance, yet you know its fantasy but you claim to be a realist?? WTF!!!

Anyways... i was going through a moment of REDs... these are not like BLues.. where you have a bad hair day, an acne , your car breaks down.. REds are worse than that, they suffocate you, other people's jealousy and manipulation feed on you, you realise that your own family is against you, your best friend feels better about her breakup cause your bf dumped you in a more awful manner, your ex shows up any says he thinks he loves you after 3 freaking yrs only to find out his current gf hates him, you are often asked why you are single? why you don have a friendster??? My personal life is private... i don wanna parade my pics and let the world known wats my fav food, clothes and crappp..... i have enough headaches with ppl in my life!! Do i need another 50000 unknown friends???

The crappie part is wen u realise that every single ppl in your life have invaded your space (there is this line you dont cross)that even when you are taking ur shower some moron will knock and screw ur moment of solitary.... everybody talks smack bout everything and nobody actually cares what you think and how you actually feel.....


Ur family- They think you are weird when you tell them ur dreams, they take you for granted(you are only wanted when: washing dishes,laundry,cleaning) You work like a dog to get someones attention but ur parent pays more attention to the one who has the most attention, every thing you say or do is left to deaf ears...... You try, and try, yet you are ignored, you still suck in their eyes, You try to keep
away, they bug you even when you sleep, (when you cry ur self 2 sleep thats when they switch on the lights and talk loudly)
And just sometimes you wish they could just love you the way you are, you donwann their money,just love and affection
but they cant seem to give even that.. sometimes even when you to do the right thing you end up falling on your face.
Dysfunctional family is common, but not when you feel trapped and slowly your souls is taken away!!!

BFF- Who ever who came up with that term didn't know what the hell he or she was talking about!!! There is o nly two type of friend, one is
the one you trust and the one you don't. I can count with my fingers when it comes to ppl i trust, believe me non of my family
members are in it!!! The one you trust is the ones who also opens up to you, not someone who only listens and never tells you
anything, it means she or he doesn't think you are trust able , they are shrouded with secrecy and feel you are not important enough, (I'm talkin bout basic stuffs like family, horrible ex , not explicit details) They claim they love you, but yet they indulge on the fact you are as unhappy as they are, you got dumped in a worse manner,you have put on tons of weight so its ok if they do too,they have a bf and you are dead single,( at least their time is pre-occupied while you read MIlls and BOOns and croon when you see Clive Owen or Keanu Reeves!!!
To think about it you don need poison to kill yourself, ppl like this take the life out of you...

Your Ex- Another specimen to screw up your life.
The day you walk out of our life don come back..
Because you had a choice, your choice was to walk out..
You never loved before, what makes you think you do now??
You shattered hearts before, what makes you think you wont wreck it again?
The word X says it all... i donwanna buddy buddy wif you... i don believe in that, in the long run someone is gonna get hurt
again... the only consolation your ex can give is, GET OUT of your life 4ever, cease to exist,NO phone calls,NO sms, maybe
a pathethic email once in a while... but bottom of line is Just GET OUT!!!

TMnet- I dono wat to say about this ppl..... streamyx suckzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 2 der core


I'm showing my middle finger!!!

My very busy life......

Its been awhile since I've blogged... damn busy wif college and stuffs and my finals are around the corner... its not that i don't have the time but more like no mood to type and all... imagine after typing pages and pages of assignment all i wanted to do is either sleep or watch TV... anyways i had this interesting conversation wif a friend.. about things you hopefully can do before you die... sounds weird but we did come up wif funny stuffs.. and here are a few that i came up wif...(hopefully i would execute them... or at least try)

1. Go on a European Tour ( I wanna take a train from London to Zurich and drink the best wine)

2. Name my daughters Dayanara Sachi and Rhea Sheridan

3. Walk in the rain without an umbrella with my hubby...") ( I wanna be drenched)

4. Play paintball with at least 20 of my best friends...

5. Watch a live tennis match where Roger Federer plays.

6. Watch a live Liverpool match during EPL.

7. Be a successful wedding planner

8. Watch Rajinikanth groove when he's 74 young

9. Go for Muthu's pink wedding dressed in a white Saree with red Hurley earrings

10. Be the best mom in the world... ( I wanna be the soccer mom,car pool mom)

11. Read Judith Mcnaught's book in a paddy- field

12. Shop in New York without worrying about credit limits in the best boutiques

13. I love big windows ... I wanna live in a condo with big windows ...

14. Watch my mom ran after my kids and answer their curious questions.

15. Shop till drop with my mother in law and have a fun- tastic day

16. Go for a drive in a limousine

17. Go for a rock concert dressed in leather pants

18. Get married on a swing ( gold coloured Indian architecture swing)

19. Eat ice-cream at home(my home not my mom's) alone wearing my hubby's white shirt
whilst watching Oprah with my doggie.

20. Dressed as Angel of death for a Halloween party.

21. Tell my uncle and his bimbo wife to take a dunk AGAIN. ( More dramatic)

22. Tell yet another bitch to go get a life after14 years...

23. Visit My old high school at age of thirty.I was studying in a Convent.

24. Get to chat wif my favourite teachers and lecturers one day...( all missing redi one in
overseas one got transferred)

25. Play football with a tin can again with my old skool mates.

26. Marry a man who can remember my Birthday and Wedding Anniversary.

27. Not watch Vijay the actor wearing a wig whens he is 57 prancing around with a gal old
enough to be my daughter on screen.

28. Watch Roman Holiday with my children even if they complain.

29. Able to sing at the age of 60.

30. Give my mom a treat for a princess and buy her a beautiful home.

31. Own a original peace of art.

32. Adopt a child.... I love kids I wanna have 5 or moreeeeeeeee!!!!

33. Attend all my best buddies wedding... looking good..

34. Always have Dato' Seri Guruji's blessing and love.

35. Get married by 26.

36. Badly wanna get those old record players.. I love antiques...

37. Eat Indian food in Japan....

38. Have a closet full of Jimmy Choo's shoes.

39. Get a ticket for the Oprah show.

40. Grow really old with my hubby and still have my mom around.

I have more but I'm not gonna bore you guys with it... hehehe.......

A whole load of stuffs...

I've gone missing for awhile.. loads of things la... streamyx down,fell sick again,bitchy lecturer.. and loads of other stuffs... I honestly didn't have any mood to blog and now I do... I might not blog about shopping for awhile cause classes have started and "lucky me" I'm stucked wif a bitch... she's sooooooooo picking on a few of us that its beginning to annoy like shit... psycho bitch..

Anyways... I believe in the term Karma... what goes around comes around... some say revenge is bad bla bla.. but who cares ??to me revenge is sweet... hehehe...

I dono why nowadays people tend to seek me for personal advice in relation to their love affairs... lolz... shit.. I'm actually the last person you should talk to cause we're riding in the same boat.. I mean I get it la they know yours is a big failure so they come and tell their sob story to u(knowing that your cerita lapuk is even worse) and when they relive the awful story they feel so much better... I mean that's a sadist aight??? I'm bored of these topic la, .. cause they and their story is sooooooo predictable that we can know their next move... and funny enough even wen you talk to at least 4 people everyone has almost der same darn story that this seems to be cliche or a great coincidence bla bla.. over the centuries same bloody game being played over and over again.... BORIng... tolong la... people oredi think all diz tactic expired redi....

Which is why I agree with the tag.. "People always leave"... and they always leave when you need them the most... haiya...


Nowadays... there seems to be nothing on TV that I seem to anticipate to watch.. gone were the days I use to be glued to the TV watching ANTM, American idol... Charmed,OTH and so on..
They have nothing on Astro man... I pay sooo much and the minute it drizzles the whole thinggy goes kaput... Astro's slogan should be "Repetition to death"...

Now.. about that bitch.. what has Bahasa Melayu and Bahasa Malaysia got to do wif Advertising???
Who cares about all diz crap?? The politician have no other better work to do then to debate about petty matters why den you bring up crappie topic in class?? These are the same people who debate about some Indonesia drama in Parliament ... (rolling my eyes) hello..... If you wanna talk about on going issue wanna go off topic a bit talk la about Altantuya Case or other important stuffs... why bitch about this bahasa thing?? To avoid racism?? Helloooooooooooooo even if its changed wat made you think this would decrease racism... people still see you as Indian... Chinese...Sikh they don't say Malaysian!!!!!! Stupid topic to talk about during class hours...

I'm showing my middle finger bitch!!!!

Guess whose back.........

Sorry.. peepz.. u didn't c me for some time cause I've been ill... I spent my days in bed in between sneezes and blowing my nose with Kleenex.. I felt horrible cause not only my nose was dripping I felt my whole body was switched with an alien's anatomy... my days were filled with Oprah , ANTM and American Idol...kinda like a scene from You've got mail where Meg Ryan is on the bed and Hanks drop by with her daisies...hehehehe by der way Blake looked darn cute and I hope Jordan wins.. she kinda reminds me of Norah Jones... the whole big eye thinggy and beautiful curly hair...

Anyways I'm still kinda wobbly but much better... my sem break is going to end soon.. and I'm dreading the whole issue of going back to Uni.. I love college, is the travelling that suckz.. Whilst on holiday prior to me being pathetically sick I went out for lunch with two of my best buddies, we were in Leisure Mall, I met them in Baskin Robbins and was thrilled to see em' after so long, Khaya was a vegetarian so we took some time to hunt for a vegetarian shop, we didn't find one so we settled for a shop where they could provide something without meat.. as soon as we sat we ordered, she strictly told them no meat... the waitress started asking us "Ikan boleh?" I was flabbergasted... who on earth told em' that vegetarians eat fish?? and since when fish is vegetarian?? As much as irritated we were, patience is a virtue, so we when back to basics..." Takde kak.. jangan taruk apa apa yang ader daging.. ikan apa apa pun tak boleh hanya sayur"

The next thing she uttered didnt surprise me " Udang boleh?Telur boleh... err.. ikan bilis boleh?"
We went like "EHH... tak boleh tak boleh..... daging tak boleh.. hanya sayur cendawan macam itu boleh"
She nodded her head as if she finally understood and went off..
10 minutes later she came back with the food.. mine and KB's food was fine, Khaya's was not
The "Vegetarian food" had everything we had specifically asked her not to put...!!!

I mean we are all Malaysians.. the person who took our order is a Malaysian.. how on earth can you live in Malaysia when you don't know the meaning of vegetarian?? Weren't you people thought about other people's culture in the first place?? respect other people's value and beliefs for gawd sake... wait.. in the first place these people aren't thought moral education way back in school to appreciate different culture's practice and the way they go about their fasting ... how can these people be under the coconut shell for centuries??? And to call one a Malaysian?? We are living in a multi religion nation where one has to know whats going on.. please don't be this shallow... reminds me of Jessica Simpson's ranting about tuna being chicken... God!!!


Next, I opened the newspapers and there was this article that caught my attention... Sikh people being accused of being Arab/Taliban in United States... how dumb!!! This is one of the most ridiculous thinggy I've heard after Britney's head shaving gig... Why can't some people get it that Sikh and Talibans are wayyyyyyyyyy totally different.. just because they happen to wear turban that doesn't mean they are Arab... look at the Punjabi's features... they are Indian... didn't you morons learn Intercultural Communication ??

ANTM... I was born to watch this show.. despite the fact mom hates Tyra Banks I think she's hot... Caridee and Melrose are annoying... this is the first time I kinda disagree with the panel judges approval.. Caridee is another dumb blond looking like a ditz trying to impress Nigel sadly she doesn't succeed...her worst on screen comment to Nigel was about the stick stuffed up his arse!!!!! How dumb.... you don't go around making comments like that to the judging panel... Melrose... is another pain .. selfish..cunning,fakelicious ,not loyal.. and has all the characteristic to be the next Janice Dickinson.. The twins were the only nice ones and and I really really liked Ajay... the Judges are just plain dumb....

Anyways..Learning about other people's culture is important.. atleast the basics.. so that you know how to treat and go about a person with different culture and background... you dont want to be branded and accussed of being rude and obnoxious...

Idiot....

Why cant people be more open minded, as much as I respect other people's opinion, respect mind too la, if you don't agree just say you don't and fuck off la, why must you thrash those opinions with little respect and so on, calling people hypocrite and so on, I'm sick of giving a reason because this is going to be a never ending story... you thrash me I thrash you... blah blah.. I'm entitled to my opinion so do you, but if you have something great to say start your own fucking blog where you can type pages to stress your point, don't use other people's blog to state your village typical timbaktu set of mind... and I hate it even worse when some weirdos google an expired story and leave a comment!!! So damn annoying la.....

Moving on, my new black pantie went missing, I was looking high and low for it... damn, It took me hours to shop and its even more annoying when things go missing, I knew I did my laundry but mom was the one who stashed our clothes in the cupboard, but where der heck is the pantie??? I went to take my shower later in the evening and noticed that someone else wore em'!!! How Gross!!! Who else if not for devil!!!!! She left it in the shower and forgot to dump it in the laundry basket!!! I was soooooo furious!!! I had it up to my head I went complaining to mom... mom wasn't shocked but she just said u know bout her aight?? I know damn well about that filthy idiot!!!I took a deep breath and calmed down, told my self... after all its just a pantie... I'll keep buying and devil can keep stealing!!!!!!

Pearl of Orient here I come.....

Yeah yeah!!! I am going for a holiday.... at last!!!! I need a break!! I'm tired of putting up with some human beings and this time all I wann is a break.... I'll be gone for 5 days la.. not now.. i'll put up an absent board on while I'm gone... and yupz cant wait to see my guruji on the 1st of May.. Yoga Jnana Sitthar Om Sri Rajayoga Guru Saranam...... His Divine Grace... hurrayyyyyyyy!!!!

Stay Away!!!

I came back home after a nice Friday night with my cousin sis, we stayed at home,chilled,ate potato chips, and yacked for hours and stuffed pizza at 2 am and slept only at 5am,we had gal talk la.. came back home my mood became lousy, I looked at my dressing table and nearly cried!! It was in a total mess!! My eyeliners were missing,my moose bottle was open, mascara gone,earrings missing,eye shadows scattered!!! My SJP perfume was used,my privacy has been violated and I felt my soul has been ripped apart by this devil!!! Worse.. my 21st birthday white gold chain was also missing!!! I knew it.. this must be only one persons work... my sister!!!

How inconsiderate!!! You are working for gawd sake.. you use my stuffs .. put it back where it belongs!! or at least have the courtesy to tell me you want to use it.. or ask my permission first!!Its not as if I'm goin to say NO!! Plus you use them till they are finished and never bother to replace them.. why do you torture me??? why are you being sooooooo bitchy??? I'm a student who saves every penny to buy the things that i want..and yet you don't care or appreciate this,you violate everything you see!!Like " I came, I saw and I conquered!!".. more than being mad.. I'm upset la.. the worse part was when mom told that she was the one who told my sis to wear the chain!! Who would wear other people's gift?especially her 21st b'day gift?? It sentimental to me.. her stupid reason was I don't wear them!!! That has got nothing to do with you using my stuffs, whether i wear them or not its non of your business!! You gave em' to me and its mine, and its up to me to do whatever i want with it!!!

Devil, is so stupid la.. she really sakitkan hati orang!! You are 26 years old and you even have a bf .. ask him to buy for you la.. don't bug me..stop hurting me.. when you first started working.. you never even bought a dime for me.. you never did anything for me!!In fact you take my clothes and make them yours,never ask my permission, If i as much as use your slippers you would create a big scene.. so dramatic that even Marlon Brandon would applaud you from his grave!! You are sooo selfish... plus mom is ur best buddy and you both contemplate to hurt me at every opportunity!! Conspire to shatter my heart!!! Every penny that I use is MY money.. I never take things from a man, never .. never.. to me the only man who deserves to give me things would be my future husband(god knows who der hell is the guy), my guy friends have only given things to me on my b'day... which I receive with guilt and discomfort.. while you on the other hand have a bf for 7 years and he apparently buys expensive stuffs for you... why can't you ask him to buy these things for you instead of using mine??I'm not selfish.. its the way you treat me.. no respect at all for me as a person!!

I've been alone for 22 years while you enjoy life being with your bf.. why do you insist in crippling my life??? You don't care two hoots for me... plus i hate your bf.. you both are hypocrites who are trying to ruin mom and me... busuk hati betul la.... I have worked hard for everything, and i work twice harder than you to get things... my MotorolaE398 was bought buy me by working my ass off in Moron's office Angkasa Raya for 3 months during summer holidays, while you got your phone cause you merengek to mom wanting a phone after seeing mine!!! You are sooo spoiled... I thought you will eventually get married to that moron and get out but you insist in marrying at 30.. what about me??? I'm sick of being alone for 22 yrs and I want to have my own family by the time I'm 25, I have given up looking for Mr.Not so Right.. I don't mind mom looking for me a Ramasamy or Kuppusamy.. I'm just tired.. either this or be a nun.. as long as I get out of this darn place called home..

Mom aso like tak kisah... I'm telling you whether you like it or not.. I'm going to marry at 25 and chao.. cause if I wait for you to marry... I'll go mad or decide to commit euthanasia !!!You and moron have embezzled thousands from mom for years!!and she still forgave you people... I'm not going to do that.. If Papa was here you would not dare to behave in such ways.. I miss dad cause he would know what to do... I'm speechless.. tired and simply hurt by you...!!!!

I'm showing my middle finger !!

Little Miss Sunshine...

What's with kids nowadays? Why is beauty given such importance at a tender age? After the Oscars, I decided to watch Little Miss Sunshine just to see what was the hype all about, well I actually enjoyed the movie, only because in the end there's a different message.

The kid goes for the pageant knowing that she's got stiff competition from barbies, those kids actually look older than their age, with all the make-up and stuffs, they even had a swimsuit and evening wear competition,the highlight of the competition would have been the talent show,Olive actually shocked and scandalized a bunch of audience by doing a strip tease style performance to the tune Super Freak, taught to her by Grandpa??

Kids nowadays are pressured at a young age to look good, heck some are even dieting at a young age, going for facial at 8 and laser hair removal at 10??? They began training at a young age and aim to be Miss World or Miss Universe some day... honestly the ones who are winning are like 18 but they look like 28... some contemplate in doing cosmetic surgeries,some don't even contemplate, they just do it, nose job la, lip implants la... gosh???

Let kids be kids, remember Jon Benet Ramsey?? she was found murdered in the basement of her parents home by John Mark Karr a teacher... the kid got more attention than anyone because of her participation in beauty pageants... and she was only 6!!!For gawd sake, Let them be free, teach them art,music, educate them in a different way, teach them to love books and love themselves, not the either way around, how to wear mascara and eye liners... let them know beauty comes in various packages, and like wat Tupac Shakur said, " What is seen is temporary, what is unseen is eternal"

I had a fantastic childhood thanks to my parents, I played batu seremban, rounders, congkak, football using a tin can, we used to play netball back in school but we'll always end up playing futsal with it, we participated in debate,choral speaking and loads of other stuffs. So people teach your kids to appreciate their intelligence first through a different approach not through beauty pageants at a young age. If they want, they can join this stuffs when they can think for themselves, age should be taken into consideration,don't expose kids to this kinda media hype and attention, it would only take their childhood away.

Check out the video here,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DDOG5LE4-k

Secrets....

I came across this post card when I was going through the post secrets column, this particular one really caught my attention, cause as simple as the secret sounds it really got into me, that as much as people think they are different, we are actually so much alike.. we all have secrets, some we share, some we don't, some of us pour our thoughts and secrets in different ways, we blog,some prefer the diary, myself I do both. My diary is more "me" than my blog, there are things that till today I can't seem to talk about to anyone, its not only the issue of trust, but it's more than that, how would the other person perceive me? I'm the sort of person who couldn't care two hoots about what people who are unimportant think of me, but when it comes to people I love, It really bothers me, which is why I prefer the diary.


Something inside me died when disappointments keeps crawling into my life, Life is game, and everytime I tell myself I want to play it better , I keep losing all over again, and picking up from where I left is even tough, this reminds me of a movie that I've watched, this little gal has a booth called "Secret Keeper" and she charges her clients 30 cents per person, from breaking your mothers china and lying about your true identity, she keeps their secrets in a paper back and stuffs them into her trunk, day by day, she feels bad cause her own personal secrets are being piled up, she has no one to talk to,my point is as much as we like to have our privacy, some things are better told than never, choose the person you are about to open up to wisely,at times you don't want comments you just want someone who actually listens for once, atleast start writing a diary, this way you wont have people invading your space.



Now back to my disappointments, I hate them, I want to change them, but I cant, so I've decided to just embrace them and get over it. I wish life could be an open book, if only people could stop pretending and be honest, you might be amazed with how much you can put up with. Secrets.. .. the remaining ones haunt me at times, but nowadays I tell it out , if not all, bits and pieces, but till today the one person I trust the most is my diary. Secrets can make people put on a mask, sometimes its necessary, but most of the time you'll end up feeling lousy, so people If you think your heart has had enough of secrets, there is nothing wrong in pouring them out, be it to your best friend, diary, through post cards, your dog, or trust me even to a stranger , its your prerogative and honestly we'll feel much better.

Real women have curves... or is it a confession of a fat person..

Duh!!! I'm single.. so what?? and why do people nag and bug me by asking about the same old apocalypse story.. my disaster remains to be mine.. even if i want to forget things the people surrounding me would not let me to do so.. every f****** day they keep reminding of a story that I want to put behind me and simply get over it.. but nahhh... I'm still trying.. its hard... but at least I'm trying.. but these people make things even more difficult for me.. and i know they mean well.. but let bygones be bygones.. it not like as if I'm Samantha or Isabella from Bewitched .. the minute i twitch my nose I'm not going to get things done.. i can't snap my fingers and catch a big fish!!! I'm only human.. a homosapien with normal feelings and issues..

I'm f******tired of people asking me why the f*** I'm single.. I'm single cause I'm single la.. maybe its meant to be this way for me.. but these people can come up with weird things to thrash at me.. an old friend who is dear to me met up with me for coffee.. her bf joined her soon.. so two's a company three's a crowd.. she called me back after the get together and told me that her bf thinks the reason I'm single is because I need to lose weight.. and in order to catch a guy i have to do so.. Yeah... i when like wtf??? I'm hitting the gym for what the f*** then?? but what has my weight got to do with catching a bf?? its my health... and I'm not fattttt... chubby maybe... ok i admit it I'm not the scrawny thin kinda gal yet I'm not fat nor am i slim... f***... but at least I'm doing my best to be in a better shape.. but wtf has this got to do with the other one.. that comment actually got into me.. and brought me down man...

What else?? you are not thin enough.. you are not fair enough... you are not rich enough... you are what else?????? I'm soooooooooo sick of listening to these people bitch and bitch and wonder about my status.. some even have the nerve to tell me that I'm single cause I'm choosy.... wtf??? I was .. still am?? i dono man... in love with a man with many many flawsssssss yet it didn't bother me cause i loved him.. if i went for looks or other criterion i wouldn't be in this f****** mess but i don't regret them simply cause i am who i am today because of my history.... so you bozo's out there get into your minds that there is more to a women than her weight .. height.. colour... race or even as lame as this may sound her accent... and the stereotyping women with larger bosom means she's got no brains is even pathetic and disgusting...

I'm sick of meeting immature people who cant even have decent conversation... and stop bugging me about my past... its gone... its never gonna come back... what is meant for me would be for me and whats not.. is simply not meant to be.. i hate fretting but hate it even more when people invade my space..... for once i want to meet people who appreciate the fact that I've got brains , morality and principles... i swear only when I'm really angry.. and trust me I'm really pissed now...